![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
i should learn how to stop confiding with the man smoking in the mirror.
he is smoking ten of my cigarettes every time when i'm screaming my sorrow.
this burning feeling in my throat,
this throbbing pain on my chest,
all this seems worth it.
i don't care how much more of this i am going to go through, i will still do it.
because he seems to be the only man who know this pain and struggle.
thank you cigarettes.
thank you mirror.
thank you melodies.
if i ever die because of smoking, it's worth it.
for he never left me when i'm in need.
he is smoking ten of my cigarettes every time when i'm screaming my sorrow.
this burning feeling in my throat,
this throbbing pain on my chest,
all this seems worth it.
i don't care how much more of this i am going to go through, i will still do it.
because he seems to be the only man who know this pain and struggle.
thank you cigarettes.
thank you mirror.
thank you melodies.
if i ever die because of smoking, it's worth it.
for he never left me when i'm in need.
- Mood:
disappointed - Music:im not fucking perfect.
FAITH
“and seek help in patience and prayer and truly, it is extremely heavy and hard except for the true believers in allah..”{2:45}
“Aku penat…aku penat..aku penat…tuhan tidak wujud…tuhan cuma rekaan semata….kenapa? Kau tanya aku? Sejak kecil lagi tiap kali aku susah..aku sujud! Aku sembahyang! Ahhhh buang masa ahh!
Tiap kali aku sujud aku mengharap! Tak pernah! Tak pernah sekali pun termakbul!
Ahh sudah! Banyak kau punya ‘Tuhan maha pengasih’ mana kasih kau?? Mana kafirun? dorang tengah sedap hidup kemewahan! Aku? Sibuk macam bodoh sujud tak henti-henti..tak ke mana pun!?”
Dalam esakkan kehampaan berbaur geram dan bingit, Syiqah pecahkan setiap bingkai ayat-ayat al-quran yang terpaku di dinding. Sejadah dan Al-quran dilontarkan ke lantai,ditendang tersudut ke tepi dinding. Amarahnya sangat terlampau sekali sampai dia sudah hilang kepercayaan. Pada agama, pada harapan,pada dunia. Mungkin kehampaan yang menimpa bertubi-tubi pada dirinya mendesaknya berkelakuan sebegitu. Jelas di matanya, tergambar seribu pedih yang lama terpendam. Hitungan tak terbilang angka setiap kegagalan dan kekecawaan yang melanda.Senyuman? lama sudah urat senyuman terputus. Titisan air mata berserta harapan dan doa sahaja yang tak putus henti, sehingga kini.Tertitik nokta, selamanya ataupun hanya seketika.Pasrah, bukan redha, akur terima dengan hakikat kesilapannya selama ini.Kesal yang bertimbun seakan mempersorakkan amarahnya, ditendang kitab al-quran itu sekali lagi.Biliknya yang dahulunya kemas, kini, seakan baru sahaja dilanda ribut akibat ledak lakunya.Tikar sejadah,telekung,selendang bertaburan di lantai, kitab al-quran terdampar, bingkai-bingkai ayat-ayat suci berseparan .Asap yang berkepulan dari batang rokok di bibirnya itu kini seakan menari bersama meraihkan kebebasan Syiqah dari rantai komitmen palsu.
“Syiqah! Kau sudah tebiat? Masya-allah! Syiqah mengucap!” Tersentak ibunya seketika lantas sahaja dibuka pintu biliknya.Bersama deraian air mata yang gelinang ibunya sempat bertanya,”mengapa nak, megapa?Ambil wudhu sekarang nak..”,kata-kata ibunya dicelah tegas oleh Syiqah, “Ibu! Cukup! Syiqah tak percaya lagi benda-benda mengarut itu semua! Buang masa! Tuhan,Tuhan,Tuhan! Mana dia bila keluarga kita sentiasa kesusahan,mana?! Takde? Sudahlah ibu, jangan buang masa, kemiskinan kita ini takda tuhan boleh tolong! Biar Syiqah usaha sendiri tak perlu bergantung pada doa tak henti-henti! Tudung-tudung ini pun meyusahkan!” sambil die bergegas keluar dihempas pintu biliknya.
----------------------------------------
“In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghouls, Amen.” Bryan kissed the cover page of the bible as he puts it away in the drawer of his desk. He looks up to an empty room of what was once before his pride and honor throughout his struggle in life. He achieved success finally. He smiled to himself knowing that was now just a story of yesterday, life’s cruel rollercoaster ride left him despair at the bottom once again. He knows he got no one else to blame but himself, he left god in his glory days and perhaps he knows that somehow, this is god’s calling to remind him of his existence. His whole company crash and tumble with one judgmental error, it’s all too late to try to resuscitate and revive. But none is loss in live; he knows there is still hope as god shall lead him the way. ”Shepherd of my soul, I give you full control, wherever you may lead I will follow, I have made the choice to listen for your voice wherever you may lead I will go…” he continues singing the hymn he was once thought back during his schooling days, “be it in a quiet pasture or by a gentle stream the shepherd of my soul will be my guide, should I face a mighty mountain or a valley dark and deep , the shepherd of my soul will be light….” He was abruptly stopped upon hearing the knocking on the front door. Questions and assumptions soon began to circulate in his head as to who it could be as he wipe the tears of his cheeks. He heaved a gasped of air and composed himself as he opens the door.
----------------------------------------
“No Mr. Bryan! No…”her struggle and disapproval came to no avail.
“Oh! Hostess and prostitutes are just the same, don’t try to pretend innocent, I’ll pay you extra I promised…”
“Here’s two thousand dollars..” as he throw a the cheque onto the naked body lying on the floor ,”don’t think too highly of yourself, I’m paying this amount to make you shut up! Do you know who I am! You don’t! so shut the hell up! And this never happen!” he warned the naked body on the floor, and a kick to her ribs as he left the room. Instrumentals songs was still playing loudly in the room, as the lady picked herself up in pain, the slow chanting melody line of the minus one songs at background seemed to clash with this despair emotions she was feeling. Picking up the cheque, she managed a smile as to her slight happiness at the sight of her fortune beginning to change .At the back of her head she know this is a valid pain to sacrifice to get her gains, as she murmured under her breath as she picked up her clothes,” see, god! I don’t need you! I don’t”
----------------------------------------
“Ibu! Buanglah tuh sejadah semua! Tuhan tak tolong! Yang tolong kasi makan atas meja ni nari, saya! Syiqah! Pengorbanan Syiqah! Ibu jangan banyak tanya mana Syiqah dapat duit ni, nah! lapan ratus dollari untuk perubatan ayah..”dengan riak dia berkata ketika ibunya sedang menyuap ayahnya yang terlantar di atas katil, sedih dan hampa tergambar di mata mereka melihat anaknya yang berubah dengan mendadak, mahu atau tidak, mereka terpaksa juga mengambil duit dihulur Syiqah.
“Besok hantar ayah pergi hospital, tak perlu doa-doa!buang masa!” Sambung Syiqah sebelum bergegas keluar rumah.
“Ya Allah ya tuhanku, ampunkanlah dosa anakku yang daif itu! Bukakanlah pintu hatinya semula ke jalan yang benar,” menggigil tangan ayahnya mengangkat tangan sambil berdoa, linangan air mata tak mampu terkawal melinang di pipinya.
----------------------------------------
“oh! You’re here again? I thought you told me, to not think too highly of myself?” she cheekily asked the man whom now already all to engrossed in caressing her.
“5 months, and you’re no longer fighting it? You adapt really well don’t you?” he sniggered as he bring her down flat naked on the floor and the loud booming of the music in the background seems to accentuate the aura in the room now.
“two thousand dollars only? You know that’s not enough, I’ve given you more that whatever you need”
as they both dress themselves up,” and today, is my last day working here, I’m quitting, “she continues.
“okae then as a token of appreciation for the improved service, here’s four thousand dollars, and remember this is a secret”, he says as he handed her the cheque.
“It’s okay, I’ve given you more than you NEED, this shall be a secret, but I think AIDS got its own way of revealing, “she sniggered before exiting the room. Her sinister laugh could still be heard over the loud booming music in the room. Now, the man sat motionless staring emptily into space, drowning along with the music. ”Boom boom boom I want you in my room……………..”
----------------------------------------
“Mr Bryan, we’re here to escort you to the hospital as arranged by your wife, and she left you a note,”
he reaches out for the note handed out to him. He crushed it and throw it aside, he don’t need to know what’s in it but what he know now is, he is not alone, he got god on his side.
“be it in a quiet pasture or by a gentle stream,the shepherd of my soul is by my side…AMEN”
----------------------------------------
“tiada tuhan melainkan allah, dan nabi Muhammad SAW adalah pesuruhnya…AMIN”
----------------------------------------
end
segala yang baik datang dariNya, dan yang buruk datangnya dari saya manusia yang hina lagi rendah.
Amin
“and seek help in patience and prayer and truly, it is extremely heavy and hard except for the true believers in allah..”{2:45}
“Aku penat…aku penat..aku penat…tuhan tidak wujud…tuhan cuma rekaan semata….kenapa? Kau tanya aku? Sejak kecil lagi tiap kali aku susah..aku sujud! Aku sembahyang! Ahhhh buang masa ahh!
Tiap kali aku sujud aku mengharap! Tak pernah! Tak pernah sekali pun termakbul!
Ahh sudah! Banyak kau punya ‘Tuhan maha pengasih’ mana kasih kau?? Mana kafirun? dorang tengah sedap hidup kemewahan! Aku? Sibuk macam bodoh sujud tak henti-henti..tak ke mana pun!?”
Dalam esakkan kehampaan berbaur geram dan bingit, Syiqah pecahkan setiap bingkai ayat-ayat al-quran yang terpaku di dinding. Sejadah dan Al-quran dilontarkan ke lantai,ditendang tersudut ke tepi dinding. Amarahnya sangat terlampau sekali sampai dia sudah hilang kepercayaan. Pada agama, pada harapan,pada dunia. Mungkin kehampaan yang menimpa bertubi-tubi pada dirinya mendesaknya berkelakuan sebegitu. Jelas di matanya, tergambar seribu pedih yang lama terpendam. Hitungan tak terbilang angka setiap kegagalan dan kekecawaan yang melanda.Senyuman? lama sudah urat senyuman terputus. Titisan air mata berserta harapan dan doa sahaja yang tak putus henti, sehingga kini.Tertitik nokta, selamanya ataupun hanya seketika.Pasrah, bukan redha, akur terima dengan hakikat kesilapannya selama ini.Kesal yang bertimbun seakan mempersorakkan amarahnya, ditendang kitab al-quran itu sekali lagi.Biliknya yang dahulunya kemas, kini, seakan baru sahaja dilanda ribut akibat ledak lakunya.Tikar sejadah,telekung,selendang bertaburan di lantai, kitab al-quran terdampar, bingkai-bingkai ayat-ayat suci berseparan .Asap yang berkepulan dari batang rokok di bibirnya itu kini seakan menari bersama meraihkan kebebasan Syiqah dari rantai komitmen palsu.
“Syiqah! Kau sudah tebiat? Masya-allah! Syiqah mengucap!” Tersentak ibunya seketika lantas sahaja dibuka pintu biliknya.Bersama deraian air mata yang gelinang ibunya sempat bertanya,”mengapa nak, megapa?Ambil wudhu sekarang nak..”,kata-kata ibunya dicelah tegas oleh Syiqah, “Ibu! Cukup! Syiqah tak percaya lagi benda-benda mengarut itu semua! Buang masa! Tuhan,Tuhan,Tuhan! Mana dia bila keluarga kita sentiasa kesusahan,mana?! Takde? Sudahlah ibu, jangan buang masa, kemiskinan kita ini takda tuhan boleh tolong! Biar Syiqah usaha sendiri tak perlu bergantung pada doa tak henti-henti! Tudung-tudung ini pun meyusahkan!” sambil die bergegas keluar dihempas pintu biliknya.
----------------------------------------
“In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghouls, Amen.” Bryan kissed the cover page of the bible as he puts it away in the drawer of his desk. He looks up to an empty room of what was once before his pride and honor throughout his struggle in life. He achieved success finally. He smiled to himself knowing that was now just a story of yesterday, life’s cruel rollercoaster ride left him despair at the bottom once again. He knows he got no one else to blame but himself, he left god in his glory days and perhaps he knows that somehow, this is god’s calling to remind him of his existence. His whole company crash and tumble with one judgmental error, it’s all too late to try to resuscitate and revive. But none is loss in live; he knows there is still hope as god shall lead him the way. ”Shepherd of my soul, I give you full control, wherever you may lead I will follow, I have made the choice to listen for your voice wherever you may lead I will go…” he continues singing the hymn he was once thought back during his schooling days, “be it in a quiet pasture or by a gentle stream the shepherd of my soul will be my guide, should I face a mighty mountain or a valley dark and deep , the shepherd of my soul will be light….” He was abruptly stopped upon hearing the knocking on the front door. Questions and assumptions soon began to circulate in his head as to who it could be as he wipe the tears of his cheeks. He heaved a gasped of air and composed himself as he opens the door.
----------------------------------------
“No Mr. Bryan! No…”her struggle and disapproval came to no avail.
“Oh! Hostess and prostitutes are just the same, don’t try to pretend innocent, I’ll pay you extra I promised…”
“Here’s two thousand dollars..” as he throw a the cheque onto the naked body lying on the floor ,”don’t think too highly of yourself, I’m paying this amount to make you shut up! Do you know who I am! You don’t! so shut the hell up! And this never happen!” he warned the naked body on the floor, and a kick to her ribs as he left the room. Instrumentals songs was still playing loudly in the room, as the lady picked herself up in pain, the slow chanting melody line of the minus one songs at background seemed to clash with this despair emotions she was feeling. Picking up the cheque, she managed a smile as to her slight happiness at the sight of her fortune beginning to change .At the back of her head she know this is a valid pain to sacrifice to get her gains, as she murmured under her breath as she picked up her clothes,” see, god! I don’t need you! I don’t”
----------------------------------------
“Ibu! Buanglah tuh sejadah semua! Tuhan tak tolong! Yang tolong kasi makan atas meja ni nari, saya! Syiqah! Pengorbanan Syiqah! Ibu jangan banyak tanya mana Syiqah dapat duit ni, nah! lapan ratus dollari untuk perubatan ayah..”dengan riak dia berkata ketika ibunya sedang menyuap ayahnya yang terlantar di atas katil, sedih dan hampa tergambar di mata mereka melihat anaknya yang berubah dengan mendadak, mahu atau tidak, mereka terpaksa juga mengambil duit dihulur Syiqah.
“Besok hantar ayah pergi hospital, tak perlu doa-doa!buang masa!” Sambung Syiqah sebelum bergegas keluar rumah.
“Ya Allah ya tuhanku, ampunkanlah dosa anakku yang daif itu! Bukakanlah pintu hatinya semula ke jalan yang benar,” menggigil tangan ayahnya mengangkat tangan sambil berdoa, linangan air mata tak mampu terkawal melinang di pipinya.
----------------------------------------
“oh! You’re here again? I thought you told me, to not think too highly of myself?” she cheekily asked the man whom now already all to engrossed in caressing her.
“5 months, and you’re no longer fighting it? You adapt really well don’t you?” he sniggered as he bring her down flat naked on the floor and the loud booming of the music in the background seems to accentuate the aura in the room now.
“two thousand dollars only? You know that’s not enough, I’ve given you more that whatever you need”
as they both dress themselves up,” and today, is my last day working here, I’m quitting, “she continues.
“okae then as a token of appreciation for the improved service, here’s four thousand dollars, and remember this is a secret”, he says as he handed her the cheque.
“It’s okay, I’ve given you more than you NEED, this shall be a secret, but I think AIDS got its own way of revealing, “she sniggered before exiting the room. Her sinister laugh could still be heard over the loud booming music in the room. Now, the man sat motionless staring emptily into space, drowning along with the music. ”Boom boom boom I want you in my room……………..”
----------------------------------------
“Mr Bryan, we’re here to escort you to the hospital as arranged by your wife, and she left you a note,”
he reaches out for the note handed out to him. He crushed it and throw it aside, he don’t need to know what’s in it but what he know now is, he is not alone, he got god on his side.
“be it in a quiet pasture or by a gentle stream,the shepherd of my soul is by my side…AMEN”
----------------------------------------
“tiada tuhan melainkan allah, dan nabi Muhammad SAW adalah pesuruhnya…AMIN”
----------------------------------------
end
segala yang baik datang dariNya, dan yang buruk datangnya dari saya manusia yang hina lagi rendah.
Amin
benarkah bila kering lautan melaka
baru dayang mungkir kata?
sungguhkah kata ikrar berjanji sehidup semati?
andai mungkir ke neraka padah menanti
dari Muar ke Mukassar mencari tenunan berharga
kumpul harta biarpun dijerat belanda
didaulat lembing pusaka di istana Anak Gowa
semua demi citra, cita dan cinta
Ada, cinta pada bayu
ada bisa sembilu
ada sayang, dalam pilu
ada sungguh paut kasih rindu
ada secebis bahang menikam dingin salju
dalam naskah tersurat rindu
demi sekuntum nan mekar di halaman
dalam naskah berbaur risau gundah
bimbang bunga dikelilingi kumbang berterbangan
genap tiga tahun seminggu tak melebihi purnama
kepulangan Awang dikhabar majlis bunga disayang
lembing temurun berguruh amarah
lembing Awang pulang Dayang
bodohkah siapa menentukan syarat
demi konon berhasrat adat
ataupun bodoh lagi si penurut bodoh lakhnat
demi citra, cita dan cinta yang tersemat
terikut adat dijerat khianat
dengki panglima merah bertumpah darah
sekampung kolot sudah dijerat
bertaruh darah demi maruah apa yang ada....
ada...cinta pada bayu..
bumi tumpah darahku dah berubah adat
demi adat gapai harta dan pangkat
bukan niat hasrat nak khianat
cuma penduduk sudah lupa darat...
----------------------------------------
kisah Lembing Awang pulang ke dayang...
jadi renungan dan ratapan buat pegangan...
jangan nak memandai kupas kopek susunan kata
kalau tak faham..jangan macam faham...
boleh tanya...
baru dayang mungkir kata?
sungguhkah kata ikrar berjanji sehidup semati?
andai mungkir ke neraka padah menanti
dari Muar ke Mukassar mencari tenunan berharga
kumpul harta biarpun dijerat belanda
didaulat lembing pusaka di istana Anak Gowa
semua demi citra, cita dan cinta
Ada, cinta pada bayu
ada bisa sembilu
ada sayang, dalam pilu
ada sungguh paut kasih rindu
ada secebis bahang menikam dingin salju
dalam naskah tersurat rindu
demi sekuntum nan mekar di halaman
dalam naskah berbaur risau gundah
bimbang bunga dikelilingi kumbang berterbangan
genap tiga tahun seminggu tak melebihi purnama
kepulangan Awang dikhabar majlis bunga disayang
lembing temurun berguruh amarah
lembing Awang pulang Dayang
bodohkah siapa menentukan syarat
demi konon berhasrat adat
ataupun bodoh lagi si penurut bodoh lakhnat
demi citra, cita dan cinta yang tersemat
terikut adat dijerat khianat
dengki panglima merah bertumpah darah
sekampung kolot sudah dijerat
bertaruh darah demi maruah apa yang ada....
ada...cinta pada bayu..
bumi tumpah darahku dah berubah adat
demi adat gapai harta dan pangkat
bukan niat hasrat nak khianat
cuma penduduk sudah lupa darat...
----------------------------------------
kisah Lembing Awang pulang ke dayang...
jadi renungan dan ratapan buat pegangan...
jangan nak memandai kupas kopek susunan kata
kalau tak faham..jangan macam faham...
boleh tanya...
Gapaikan aku secebis sinar
Tudingkan aku ke arah megah
Limpahkanlah sinar dibalik kelam yang membakar
Belaikan harapan kian tertundas di tunggak terdampar
Kerna aku ingin berlari mengejar tahi bintang
Melompat mencapai-gapai mana datang
Di taman bakawali mekar berkembang
Bintang tak sampai,untung-untung tersandung,puteri bertandang
Tinggi-tinggi si matahari
Tinggi lagi harapan di hati
Sujudlah sang suria
Agunglah megah kuasa
Andai yang satu dengar ini rayu
Sebisik lagi, Serakku menuju bisu
Sedetik lagi akan berlalu
Segenggam lagi harapan me-layu
Aku takut kan tersesat nanti
Aku takut kehampaan menguasai lagi
Aku takut angin datang menaki lagi
Aku takut hilang yakin buta nanti....
Tudingkan aku ke arah megah
Limpahkanlah sinar dibalik kelam yang membakar
Belaikan harapan kian tertundas di tunggak terdampar
Kerna aku ingin berlari mengejar tahi bintang
Melompat mencapai-gapai mana datang
Di taman bakawali mekar berkembang
Bintang tak sampai,untung-untung tersandung,puteri bertandang
Tinggi-tinggi si matahari
Tinggi lagi harapan di hati
Sujudlah sang suria
Agunglah megah kuasa
Andai yang satu dengar ini rayu
Sebisik lagi, Serakku menuju bisu
Sedetik lagi akan berlalu
Segenggam lagi harapan me-layu
Aku takut kan tersesat nanti
Aku takut kehampaan menguasai lagi
Aku takut angin datang menaki lagi
Aku takut hilang yakin buta nanti....
Sebab aku tak berminat nak menulis lagi
Sebab aku dah tak kuasa nak melayan karenah2 bodoh lagi
Sebab aku dah tak mampu nak bantu suka-suka
Sebab dah hilang suka
Sebab aku menyampah dengan hingusan.
Aku nak lap hingus belen-belen yang tinggal...
Sekoloni komplot sekampung serata
Seekor meragut sepasang kuasa
Secuit lentok najis nian punya helah
Sebilah daulat konon kenang dulu kala
Secebis rasa segenggam haloba
Setompok petaka seorang celaka....
Besar punya suar....
Kalau kene aku? Jangan kata maki nenek...
Depan muka bapak kau pun aku ludah.:))
Sebab aku takde heran sedetik pun.
Sebab aku dah tak kuasa nak melayan karenah2 bodoh lagi
Sebab aku dah tak mampu nak bantu suka-suka
Sebab dah hilang suka
Sebab aku menyampah dengan hingusan.
Aku nak lap hingus belen-belen yang tinggal...
Sekoloni komplot sekampung serata
Seekor meragut sepasang kuasa
Secuit lentok najis nian punya helah
Sebilah daulat konon kenang dulu kala
Secebis rasa segenggam haloba
Setompok petaka seorang celaka....
Besar punya suar....
Kalau kene aku? Jangan kata maki nenek...
Depan muka bapak kau pun aku ludah.:))
Sebab aku takde heran sedetik pun.
satisfaction is a need i will never meet
im never easily satisfied with things
how my artworks always fail to meet my satisfactions
how my words never seem to fit enough for me
or even how my instant noodle can never get the perfect taste i envisioned
if its a gift, pardon me, i beg to differ at all costs
its a curse.
for i'll never be happy with things i do
things i get
heck to be entirely honest i wasnt even honestly happy i got distinctions
i wanted distinction with honours
yes it really does clash with my traditional/religious beliefs
or so we melayu say...
"orang tamak selalu rugi..."
or
"cuba bersyukur.."
but what they've yet to realised, was god had every intention for every of his man to excel and push himself to their very best in whatever they do.and by being the best, is to not claim trophies and awards and whatnots but rather perfect satisfaction that matches with the effort pumped in.
and call me greedy, but il never get really satisfied until what i get what i what and no again, its not trophies nor awards nor even credits, what i merely wanted was to be heard to see the perfect image of what ive envisioned it to be.
perfectionist maybe?i dont know.
but what i really know.
I AM QUITTING,
ALMOST definitely
this (..) close.
im leaving all this stupid things away.
not because i cant win.
but its only because, i know i can never get that perfection i envisioned.
no.not a quitter.
just a non believer.
i cant live with the existence of disgusting creatures whom lack proffesionalism
i cant live with the existence of cowards forever avoiding confrontations.
if you have a problem with me.say it to my face.
theres 2 out of 3 chances you will walk away with a pretty face.
just to make things clear, ive punched my perfect fist before,so i'd be expecting better.
and its as simple as this.
give me 5 good reason.
and i'l definitely stay...and try to fight this losing battle.
after all.
every name has it's place.
every game has it's grace.
for if you really wanna take me on, head on.
you will be really surprise at how much better i can play you at your own game.
dear god,
if its not enough yet these tears and sweat.tell me it's never gonna happen.
deep inside somewhere, somehow i still do have a small tinge of believe you work in mysterious ways.
amin.
im never easily satisfied with things
how my artworks always fail to meet my satisfactions
how my words never seem to fit enough for me
or even how my instant noodle can never get the perfect taste i envisioned
if its a gift, pardon me, i beg to differ at all costs
its a curse.
for i'll never be happy with things i do
things i get
heck to be entirely honest i wasnt even honestly happy i got distinctions
i wanted distinction with honours
yes it really does clash with my traditional/religious beliefs
or so we melayu say...
"orang tamak selalu rugi..."
or
"cuba bersyukur.."
but what they've yet to realised, was god had every intention for every of his man to excel and push himself to their very best in whatever they do.and by being the best, is to not claim trophies and awards and whatnots but rather perfect satisfaction that matches with the effort pumped in.
and call me greedy, but il never get really satisfied until what i get what i what and no again, its not trophies nor awards nor even credits, what i merely wanted was to be heard to see the perfect image of what ive envisioned it to be.
perfectionist maybe?i dont know.
but what i really know.
I AM QUITTING,
ALMOST definitely
this (..) close.
im leaving all this stupid things away.
not because i cant win.
but its only because, i know i can never get that perfection i envisioned.
no.not a quitter.
just a non believer.
i cant live with the existence of disgusting creatures whom lack proffesionalism
i cant live with the existence of cowards forever avoiding confrontations.
if you have a problem with me.say it to my face.
theres 2 out of 3 chances you will walk away with a pretty face.
just to make things clear, ive punched my perfect fist before,so i'd be expecting better.
and its as simple as this.
give me 5 good reason.
and i'l definitely stay...and try to fight this losing battle.
after all.
every name has it's place.
every game has it's grace.
for if you really wanna take me on, head on.
you will be really surprise at how much better i can play you at your own game.
dear god,
if its not enough yet these tears and sweat.tell me it's never gonna happen.
deep inside somewhere, somehow i still do have a small tinge of believe you work in mysterious ways.
amin.
tumpaskan gejala sanjung mana dukung
tumbangkan tentera ganas memasung
rebahkan layar panji bakar sampai rentung
menanti merdeka dalam tempurung
mana bendera mana kuasa
mana tiang dipacak lama
mana-mana tiada beza
siapa punya tanah dia layak menjajah
wancana rencana wahana petala
lendir sindir zaman mahkota
jijik geli hilang hormat segala
bakar panji puaka bakar panji petaka
tumbangkan tentera ganas memasung
rebahkan layar panji bakar sampai rentung
menanti merdeka dalam tempurung
mana bendera mana kuasa
mana tiang dipacak lama
mana-mana tiada beza
siapa punya tanah dia layak menjajah
wancana rencana wahana petala
lendir sindir zaman mahkota
jijik geli hilang hormat segala
bakar panji puaka bakar panji petaka
embun menitik di tepi muara
waktu berdetik menanti sapa
benar pun serik tidak meluka
cuma tempias terpecik singgah muka
anak sembilang di tapak tangan
bukan hidangan helang buat makan
angka cuma bilang hitungan
bukan buat lagak siapa tuan siapa suruhan
gagah sang singa kedaulatan rimba
gagah sang singa punya kuasa
gagah tuan hamba terletak dimana?
apa guna kalau jaguh kampung semata
waktu berdetik menanti sapa
benar pun serik tidak meluka
cuma tempias terpecik singgah muka
anak sembilang di tapak tangan
bukan hidangan helang buat makan
angka cuma bilang hitungan
bukan buat lagak siapa tuan siapa suruhan
gagah sang singa kedaulatan rimba
gagah sang singa punya kuasa
gagah tuan hamba terletak dimana?
apa guna kalau jaguh kampung semata
ive never tried trying to be front page worthy
nor even be a small cutting of an article in a column where nobody reads
the only time i know where i had no say to that is when im dead
brutally murdered or on the other side of the knife
i know where i stand in a picture
always close-by to the border of the frame
where it doesnt matter most
i know
ive never shout or scream for attention for i hated it most
even if i ever did it was purely accidental
but i couldn't be bothered if anyone finds me annoying
because i sure am.
i never picked up singing to swoon anyone away
nor try to be the next big thing idol on the radio
nor an icon in your magazine
i picked up singing because theres where i pour my heart out
without shedding a drop, without being vulnerable to the nature of human
and i know i never will be one singer where you can hear me on the radio
i never picked up writing to win any awards nor even be the least bit recognised
i dont need any of that, for i may face starvation of neccessities not pride and ego
i write because there are things my tongue just refused to say bluntly
for they are emotions my tongue simply numbed at the thought of it.
and i know whatever i write will never be read-worthy.
i am not all that i am.
i take pictures not to be the next man of the moment that captures moment
i dont teach what i love to be called a teacher.
i dont preach what i believe to be called a preacher.
i dont love to be just called a lover.
i dont need anyone to read and listen to what i write nor say.
i may appear to be self centred but i really am not,
im passion-centred if that ever exist.
i am but only a man.
dying.
along with this passion i ever had.
add the number of amounts ive used 'I'
multiply it by a million and you still will never ever ever ever
get the exact amount of how many times ive failed trying.
perhaps, its high time i should really realise my worth.
im worthless.
im hopeless.
nor even be a small cutting of an article in a column where nobody reads
the only time i know where i had no say to that is when im dead
brutally murdered or on the other side of the knife
i know where i stand in a picture
always close-by to the border of the frame
where it doesnt matter most
i know
ive never shout or scream for attention for i hated it most
even if i ever did it was purely accidental
but i couldn't be bothered if anyone finds me annoying
because i sure am.
i never picked up singing to swoon anyone away
nor try to be the next big thing idol on the radio
nor an icon in your magazine
i picked up singing because theres where i pour my heart out
without shedding a drop, without being vulnerable to the nature of human
and i know i never will be one singer where you can hear me on the radio
i never picked up writing to win any awards nor even be the least bit recognised
i dont need any of that, for i may face starvation of neccessities not pride and ego
i write because there are things my tongue just refused to say bluntly
for they are emotions my tongue simply numbed at the thought of it.
and i know whatever i write will never be read-worthy.
i am not all that i am.
i take pictures not to be the next man of the moment that captures moment
i dont teach what i love to be called a teacher.
i dont preach what i believe to be called a preacher.
i dont love to be just called a lover.
i dont need anyone to read and listen to what i write nor say.
i may appear to be self centred but i really am not,
im passion-centred if that ever exist.
i am but only a man.
dying.
along with this passion i ever had.
add the number of amounts ive used 'I'
multiply it by a million and you still will never ever ever ever
get the exact amount of how many times ive failed trying.
perhaps, its high time i should really realise my worth.
im worthless.
im hopeless.
deraian hujan yang turun seakan datang dengan hajat untuk menyelimutkan keselesaan
satu demi persatu tikaman menewaskan rampaian rumput
terkulai, tak bermaya,
namun penuh dengan soalan,biar diduga tetap degil mencuba
dititk kembali, lagi,lagi,lagi...seakan tak setaraf langsung si rumput nak mendongak
namun aku kini baring sama rendah
paras mata sama lintang bertentang
gigilan dari kuku ke hujung rambut punyai sama getaran
sama-sama ditiup bayu menderu lintas lalu bertalu-talu
cuma perbezaan kita tak terbanding,
dia masih degil mahu mencuba,
aku cuma mampu bergetar sendi dan nadi
tak terdaya lagi nak membujur
mahupun menjenguk walaupun dari hujung kerling
sumpah,andai keluhan hatiku punyai suara
sudah lama sepi malam dipecah-retak
sudah lama....lama-lama
keluhan hatiku memamah serpihan demi ketulan hati
secebis demi secebis secubit lalut tikam
bisa, pedih remuk tak terhingga
dipagar balik dawai kebiasaan
dipaku kuat paku senyuman
ditopeng biasa sinis senda-tawa
akulah kini jadi bahan gelak
di'kantoi' kehidupan
'dingin malam....tirai..ke...hampaanku'
tak terhingga tak terhitung untaiannya
kedegilan titisan yang lama di kemarau gelinangan
mencuri kesempatan menitis bersama hujan
ditemani dentam-dentuman langit
disaksi sabungan kilat menumpang lalu
sandaran pipi pada kediinginan lantai
oh begini rasanya,andai pipi cium tanah
oh begini rasanya,naik sebal bukan kebal
naik lali kali-kali
datang seekor semut
lalu tumpang teduh di bawah rumput
oh begini rasanya..
tiada guna.
tak guna.
yakin akan illahi,insyallah segala yang diuji hanya unutk memperkuatkan diri
tapi...ampunkanlah hamba mu ini sekiranya aku lemah,kuatkanlah aku
andai ini dugaan semata, aku harungi seadanya
andai ini takdir selamanya.....
mungkin itulah yang terbaik buat aku....
ps:yes.ive learnt.Teaching DIKIR BARAT is an expensive hobby i cant carry on anymore.
its not about passion.in life.its about life.surviving it.
ive quit playing.
perhaps its high time to severe all ties and start being mechanical with life.
millions of people does it.im not anyone special to be excused.
"bukan senang nak jadi bintang."
"bukan senang nak jadi orang punya cita"
sebab cita hanya angan semata andai itu bukan dijanji takdir.....
satu demi persatu tikaman menewaskan rampaian rumput
terkulai, tak bermaya,
namun penuh dengan soalan,biar diduga tetap degil mencuba
dititk kembali, lagi,lagi,lagi...seakan tak setaraf langsung si rumput nak mendongak
namun aku kini baring sama rendah
paras mata sama lintang bertentang
gigilan dari kuku ke hujung rambut punyai sama getaran
sama-sama ditiup bayu menderu lintas lalu bertalu-talu
cuma perbezaan kita tak terbanding,
dia masih degil mahu mencuba,
aku cuma mampu bergetar sendi dan nadi
tak terdaya lagi nak membujur
mahupun menjenguk walaupun dari hujung kerling
sumpah,andai keluhan hatiku punyai suara
sudah lama sepi malam dipecah-retak
sudah lama....lama-lama
keluhan hatiku memamah serpihan demi ketulan hati
secebis demi secebis secubit lalut tikam
bisa, pedih remuk tak terhingga
dipagar balik dawai kebiasaan
dipaku kuat paku senyuman
ditopeng biasa sinis senda-tawa
akulah kini jadi bahan gelak
di'kantoi' kehidupan
'dingin malam....tirai..ke...hampaanku'
tak terhingga tak terhitung untaiannya
kedegilan titisan yang lama di kemarau gelinangan
mencuri kesempatan menitis bersama hujan
ditemani dentam-dentuman langit
disaksi sabungan kilat menumpang lalu
sandaran pipi pada kediinginan lantai
oh begini rasanya,andai pipi cium tanah
oh begini rasanya,naik sebal bukan kebal
naik lali kali-kali
datang seekor semut
lalu tumpang teduh di bawah rumput
oh begini rasanya..
tiada guna.
tak guna.
yakin akan illahi,insyallah segala yang diuji hanya unutk memperkuatkan diri
tapi...ampunkanlah hamba mu ini sekiranya aku lemah,kuatkanlah aku
andai ini dugaan semata, aku harungi seadanya
andai ini takdir selamanya.....
mungkin itulah yang terbaik buat aku....
ps:yes.ive learnt.Teaching DIKIR BARAT is an expensive hobby i cant carry on anymore.
its not about passion.in life.its about life.surviving it.
ive quit playing.
perhaps its high time to severe all ties and start being mechanical with life.
millions of people does it.im not anyone special to be excused.
"bukan senang nak jadi bintang."
"bukan senang nak jadi orang punya cita"
sebab cita hanya angan semata andai itu bukan dijanji takdir.....
